Topic of the Month

Topic of the Month

Grief and Loss

The experience of having someone close to you die, plus the feelings of loss that follows a death of a loved one has been reported as among the most intense and stressful experiences an individual will endure in a lifetime. However, is grieving normal? Yes

About 5% - 10% of our population is grieving the loss of a loved one at any particular time. And as grieving can be both intense and stressful, it is a stressor that has physical, psychological and social consequences for the individual and for the family:

Physical:
people who are grieving tend to neglect themselves, so we may see increases in:

  • Smoking , drinking, and drug use all of which may lead to a deterioration in health or an exacerbation on an already existing medical condition

Psychological:
the loss of a loved one hurts and may lead to:

  • Feelings of depression and loss, increase substance abuse as a means of coping with the loss and pain, suicidal thoughts, exacerbation of an existing psychological or emotional condition, a lowering of self-esteem

Social:
the loss can have social ramifications such as:

  • a) The survivor may feel isolated, alienated from others, lonely, misunderstood with no one to turn to, family conflicts may arise resulting from the loss, and depending upon the loss, there can be a loss of status, of one's role in the world, of one's sense of identity

Experts on death and dying believe that grief is universal and predictable. It has been observed since antiquity. And although some recognizable patterns in large groups have been noted, individual reactions are generally dependent upon sociocultural factors, preexisting personality traits, and the strength of the relationship with the deceased.

So, how an individual grieves is unique to each person with varying levels of intensity, duration and with different outcomes. Some signs and symptoms of grief encompass -

  • Social withdrawal
  • Physical discomfort
  • Feelings of distress

Overall, grief has a purpose and a healing function enabling the individual to eventually reinvest in life and in new relationships. When the grief work proceeds without complication, the griever is able to reach the point of resolution and reinvestment in life. The tasks of grief work are thought to include:

  • Accepting the reality of the loss
  • Accepting that the grieving is painful
  • Adjusting to a changed environment without the help of the companionship of the deceased
  • Being able to withdraw much of the energy invested in the deceased and reinvesting in new relationships

Grief experts have summarized the grief experience by saying that when your parents die you lose your past, when your spouse dies you lose your present, and when you child dies you lose your future. The process is the sequence of emotional reactions to the loss which follows a predictable course that is both painful and healing. It is a reaction which should be allowed to take its course without being inhibited, delayed, or prolonged if a favorable outcome is expected. Though the process is not necessarily linear with symptoms tending to wax and wane throughout the entire process, a general understanding of the stages of the grief process is:

Phase I - Shock and avoidance

  • One to two weeks after learning of the loss
  • Begins upon immediately learning of the news of the death or diagnosis of the terminally ill
  • Symptoms to include disbelief, emotional numbness, crying, sobbing, tearfulness, physical symptoms
  • Confusion, disorganization, dazed and confused, helplessness - possibly more intense if the death was unexpected or sudden
  • The shock has a purpose - a shielding from the sudden and intense pain of the loss

Phase II - Acute grieving

  • Emotional numbness subsides and awareness of the death sets in
  • Griever feels sad with new symptoms of insomnia, fatigue, insomnia
  • Possible guilt over past actions toward the deceased or anger for being left by the deceased
  • Mistaking strangers who look like the deceased
  • Attempts to make sense or find meaning in the death

Phase III - Resolution and reestablishment

  • A gradual detachment of emotional energy in the deceased and a reinvestment in new relationships
  • Symptoms begin to subside
  • Renewed interest in social activities, in people, in life
  • Reflects an adjustment not a recovery - one does not get over, but one gets use to
  • Memories no longer viewed with sadness, but with pleasant nostalgia and tenderness
  • The ending of the grief process is not necessarily an ending of the symptoms as much as it is the beginning of other life phases for the individual. Time remains the most crucial dimension: 1 - 2 years for the loss of a spouse/2-5 years for the loss of a child/for the loss of a parent depending upon the age of the child at the time of death
  • If you have lost a loved one either recently or in your past, University Counseling Services can help you work through your grief and move forward in your life